A podcast that I co-hosted

In the link below you'll find a thing that has my sweet voice in it. LISTEN TO IT!

http://shizzwhizz.posterous.com/superhero-soundoff-issue-01-special-misprint

Sorry for the lack of activity again. My edumacation has interfered with my plans of world domination again. Once the winter break hits I'll be free and bored enough to blog FURIOUSLY!

Yeah yeah, it’s been a loooooong time since I last posted here. Why? Life is why. I finally have a LIFE! Sort of…this has been a crazy summer. I’ve done new things, met new people, made new friends, and learned some skills that might help me to take over the world one day. Now how this relates to my rarely updated blog you ask? Well simply put, this blog is as much a reflection of me as it is both rambly and spacey. AND IT’S MY BLOG! I CAN WRITE WHAT I WANT! No longer is tuna just a fish. See what I did there? I presented an erroneous statement as fact. I AM WRONG RIGHT THERE! I’ve been wrong about a lot of things…Like my calculations for the fuel to weight ratio for my flying fortress. Any who, crazy life type stuff has happened AND IT’S ALL GOOD TOO except for that…and that…well mostly good. So for the most part life has been good. How have you been? It’s been a while since we had a chat. Sit down and chat for a spell WHILST I ACTIVATE THE MOON BLOWEY UPPEY THING! BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH HA HAHAHA Hahahha….

I’m going to aim for weekly posts. More so for my benefit than yours, sorry I’m just more important to myself than you. Nothing personal. WAIT COME BACK! I HAVE CAKE! Wait no, that was a lie (yes I KNOW I’m late to the portal reference party cut me a break.)

Forgetting

I forgot what I was going to write this long overdue post about, and then remembered that NOBODY READS THIS THING ANYWAYS! So now you’re stuck with a long rambly grandpa post on forgetting what I wanted to write about. It had something to do with Pandas who divide by zero. Forgetfulness sucks. I go to phone home, but I left my phone inside my pants inside the dryer set to a toasty 20 minute ride in the tunnel of dust bunny amour. And SUDDENLY A WILD FRIENDS BIRTHDAY APPEARS; Which I had totally forgotten about thus freeing me from any gifting obligations at the cost of no free cake. I can live that. Now forgetting things isn’t the sudden blank out affair that it is popularly believed to be, it’s more like one block crumbles and down falls the mighty two and a half foot Jenga tower of memory. Then it takes days to finally reconstruct the tower and again one block crumbles and DOWN IT GOES!

Although there are things that can’t be forgotten like seeing a giant clown weasel on a unicycle juggling Congressional Candidates. So until next time enjoy the five or six other posts I have posted and remember…Who are you? Why am I holding a half full glass of salsa? IS this the bathroom? I AM SO CONFUSED!

“It’s okay sir, it was only a dream. NURSE! We need some tapioca STAT!”

“Yes doctor.”

*BEEP*BEEP*BEEEEEEP*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*

“We’re losing him! Quick hand me the shocky paddle thingy!”

“Ready”

“CLEAR! *BZZZZTTHUD* CLEAR *BZZZZZZZTTHUD*”

*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*

“He’s gone. I did all I ca…….”

*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*

“UHHH whuzzat? Is it morning all ready? Five more minutes”

*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*BEEEEEEEEEE THUD*

“I’m up already. Stupid alarm clock…”

 

On Super-villainy and why it could save the Earth.

First order of business is, “SIT DOWN Egglestien! You can’t leave the meeting until we settle the matter of the Shark-bear.” Where was I? Oh yes (slightly villainous chuckle to impress the investors) my lack of activity. Certain readers, out of the three of you that would mean myself, have wondered aloud and overdramatically, if I the great Dr. Shizzwhizz has died in a horrible experiment gone terribly wrong. Those rumors are completely unfounded and untrue. Could someone hand me a back scratcher, my left wing is acting up again. “Yes Egglestien I have always had compound eyes.” I have simply been busy studying the mutagenic properties of introductory college level English courses. I am saddened to report that no mutations have occurred although some memory loss was observed. “WHAT NOW EGGLESTIEN? Of course I was the subject of the experiment.” I am saddened to report that no mutations have occurred although some memory loss was observed.

I have a plan to save the Earth. That may come as a surprise to some of you, a super-villain saving the Earth. Shouldn’t I concern myself with building lasers, doom-rays, and genetically engineering the perfect and beautiful predator, the Shark-bear? No, that is a stupid and short sighted way of thinking. If someone’s going to hold the Earth ransom with his fearsome army of Shark-bears there needs to be an Earth with a sizeable population who experience an adverse reaction to being mauled by Shark-bears. My plan is simple. By unleashing my army of Shark-bears upon an unsuspecting world, all the Earth’s nations would have to band together while I direct my army of Carcharodon Ursus into attacking those who refuse to unite against my reign of terror. Once the world sees how much fun working together could be, all war will end, the world will be all happy and farting unicorns with corn for their horns.  

SPACE IS FRICKEN HUGE MAN!

            Folks, it’s time I took you all on a little journey. A journey through time and space across the vastness of the universe, then on into the spaces between the particles that make up this insane and loony universe. Explore the near perfect emptiness filling the void in which all the stars float about in. And most importantly how big nothing can be. In fact nothing is a lot bigger than you or me or even the solar system. But it’s nothing. You can’t breathe, smell, eat, or feel it, but nothing is everywhere. That’s why it’s so darn big. Our big yellow ball of a sun is small compared to it all.

            We are just so small and young compared to the rest of what’s out there in space. There is light from stars older than our own sun racing through the inky near perfect emptiness and still has yet to reach us. Out of the whole of the universe we can only see about 14 billion parsecs out into space. A single parsec is 19 trillion miles. So it is perfectly clear that WE ARE SMALL!

            Did anyone see the white dot in that lovely two thousand by two thousand picture? Look closer. Zoom in? Find it? Good, that dot is a generously sized marker of how big our little solar system is. Tiny isn’t it? Still can't find it? Neither will the giant mutant space goat. However in case that the giant mutant space goat find us, we should stick all the telephone sanitizers and every other useless type into space to a different planet. What if it’s not a space goat, but a coelacanth? If that was the case then we would really be screwed.

            All right I’m going to stop the planetarium now because it is four in the morning and I promise to make a part two where I finally get to my point. My smaller than our solar system point, about space and nothing.           

Tommorow will have an actual topic

Tomorrow's post will have an actual topic THIS I SWEAR! Ah, an idea occurs to me. A story from my life, if I can remember...who...what...? 

Me-"WHERE AM I?"

Merihirviö- Olet loukussa aika reikä

Me (a little confused)- "What? I don't understand you."

Merihirviö- "Housuissa on nyt taaksepäin. Puhun suomea sinä tomppeli. Voitko puhua suomea?"

Me (worried)- "Could you speak English? Bad enough that you are wearing three hats and a ruby ampersand necklace."

Merihirviö- "Olen naurettava? Olet yksi taaksepäin housut ja olet unohtanut mitä olit kirjoittanut ja aloitti tämän typerä tarina!"

Me- "Well could you hand me that bit of charred villager next to your foot?" (pointing obliviously at what are should jump out to me as burnt human remains.) 

 Merihirviö- "Ai sinä tarkoitat kynän alla jakkara rasvaa kissa istuu heti?" (motioning to the thing I pointed to.)

 " Yes YES! Good! If you could hand that to me then we will communicate via Pictionary(copyright whoever made the darn thing)" (all said whilst hands are flailing in crude, broken sign language.)

 Merihirviö- "Puhumme samaa kieltä apina kasvot. Minusta tuntuu puhua eri kieltä, koska pidät laskemisesta google kääntää välttämiseksi kotitehtävät." 

Me- Scribbling furiously on the floor of the cave. 

 Merihirviö- "Mitä teet nyt? Stop piirustus keittiön lattialle! Miksi saan kiinni hölmö? Aiotteko ystävällisesti selittää minulle, mitä on menossa läpi pään!"

" Hold on almost done...THERE HAHA! Now it's your turn...whatever you are."

"Se näyttää muotoillun kirahvi sikiö. Miksi se on kolme penikset?" (looking very upset) "Piirsit kirahvi sikiö useita sukupuolielimiä minun keittiön lattialle."

 "You sound upset. Did my drawing offend? All I am asking for is a jar of pickle juice."

"Suolakurkku mehua? On karkea piirustus kirahvi sikiö minun keittiön lattialle ja minun pitäisi tulkita, että haluaa suolakurkku mehu? Olet hullu"

 "If I did offend, I give you the biggest apology known to man/whatever-you-are kind. But we are trying to use pictures now understand?" 

 "Jättäkää minut rauhaan ..." (Snatches the charred thing from my hand and starts drawing.

"Well I'll be, you have got some talent there. It looks like a hand scribbled on your hand. But your drawing has only one finger, and a hand has five."

"Idiootti, Minä annan sinulle keskisormi. Ymmärtää?"

"I don't know what you said, was it a joke? Considering the drawing on your hand, maybe not. Or was it an insult?"

 Nods his(?) head slowly

"I see. If that is how you feel then I guess there is nothing else to do but get you that pony after all."

"Haista paska" walks away.

"Wait I'm sure we can get you a nice pony!"

Still walking away

I don't even know what to title this.

Okay now think of a topic, be funny, witty, and crazy at the same time. NOW GO! WHHHOOOOOO YEAH BLOGGING IS COOL CAUSE I AM BLOGGING YEAHH!! GUITAR SOLO!! HEAD BANGING! WRITE THOSE WORDS! THIS IS MORE EXCITING IN MY HEAD! READING IT, NOT SO MUCH! JUST KIND OF ANNOYING! NOW THINK OF SOMETHING BRAIN! WHAT DO I FEED YOU FOR?  NOW I AM GETTING TIRED OF TYPING IN ALL CAPS TO GIVE THE IMPRESSION THAT I AM ACCOMPLISHING SOMETHING! ALSO THIS MIGHT BE OFF PUTTING TO MY READERS! AND NOW I just realized that with great blogging comes great aunts who smell of mothballs and rotting old person. Or something similar to that line from that one movie which was based on a comic book.

I just Googled coalicanth, and thanks to spell check found out that I have it misspelled on the front of this blog. But coelacanths (proper spelling) are ugly looking. Look at this guy/girl, blissfully unaware of his/her crippling ugliness.

At least he’s/she’s happy right? Blissfully unaware of his/her physical flaws, or he/she has simply accepted his/her ugliness as a fact of life. Maybe we should look to this brave sea creature as an example for all of us. Coelacanths are still funny looking… 

  

Well, this is new...

You know what? I will not make this blog about anything other than all the insane ramblings that strike me at all odd hours of the day. You might laugh, grimace and regret eating the week old sandwich that you found without realizing it was a week old and ate it anyway. Those are some confusing feelings. AREN’T THEY!!! I just used more exclamation marks than is regarded healthy. I DON’T CARE!!! I DID IT AGAIN!!

 Seeing as to how this is my first go at blogging I should tell you (you as in the few people who will read this crap) about myself. Form of LIST!!! WITH BULLET POINTS!!! PEW PEW KERPEW!! Those are what bullet points sound like.

·        I am a human

·        Earth isn’t my favourite planet

·        The British spelling is the best spelling

·        I watch more British television than is healthy

·        No, in response to any questions about if I should stop eating chocolate

·        I might have parts that conclusively point to what gender I am.

·        Pants rock

·        Shirts to

·        But shoes? No they don’t rock. Shoes belong to an independent jazz reformist ensemble.

·        You are still reading this? What if I started gnipyt eht sdrow sdrawkcab?

·        Still around? Good.

·        LET’S GO FOR A HUNDREND OF THESE!

·        Or not, I am getting tired and a bit peckish. That means hungry and nothing dirty you perverts.

·        I called you a pervert HAH!

My life is not that interesting, but this is my blog so I can do whatever I tiddley-winkin-frickity-do please. So I might include a tale or two from my life. Well this concludes our time together. Please see the receptionist at the front desk to schedule another appointment. THEN TRANSFORM INTO A NARWHAL!!