Sunday, January 16, 2011

SPACE IS FRICKEN HUGE MAN!

            Folks, it’s time I took you all on a little journey. A journey through time and space across the vastness of the universe, then on into the spaces between the particles that make up this insane and loony universe. Explore the near perfect emptiness filling the void in which all the stars float about in. And most importantly how big nothing can be. In fact nothing is a lot bigger than you or me or even the solar system. But it’s nothing. You can’t breathe, smell, eat, or feel it, but nothing is everywhere. That’s why it’s so darn big. Our big yellow ball of a sun is small compared to it all.

            We are just so small and young compared to the rest of what’s out there in space. There is light from stars older than our own sun racing through the inky near perfect emptiness and still has yet to reach us. Out of the whole of the universe we can only see about 14 billion parsecs out into space. A single parsec is 19 trillion miles. So it is perfectly clear that WE ARE SMALL!

            Did anyone see the white dot in that lovely two thousand by two thousand picture? Look closer. Zoom in? Find it? Good, that dot is a generously sized marker of how big our little solar system is. Tiny isn’t it? Still can't find it? Neither will the giant mutant space goat. However in case that the giant mutant space goat find us, we should stick all the telephone sanitizers and every other useless type into space to a different planet. What if it’s not a space goat, but a coelacanth? If that was the case then we would really be screwed.

            All right I’m going to stop the planetarium now because it is four in the morning and I promise to make a part two where I finally get to my point. My smaller than our solar system point, about space and nothing.           

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Tommorow will have an actual topic

Tomorrow's post will have an actual topic THIS I SWEAR! Ah, an idea occurs to me. A story from my life, if I can remember...who...what...? 

Me-"WHERE AM I?"

Merihirviö- Olet loukussa aika reikä

Me (a little confused)- "What? I don't understand you."
Merihirviö- "Housuissa on nyt taaksepäin. Puhun suomea sinä tomppeli. Voitko puhua suomea?"

Me (worried)- "Could you speak English? Bad enough that you are wearing three hats and a ruby ampersand necklace."

Merihirviö- "Olen naurettava? Olet yksi taaksepäin housut ja olet unohtanut mitä olit kirjoittanut ja aloitti tämän typerä tarina!"

Me- "Well could you hand me that bit of charred villager next to your foot?" (pointing obliviously at what are should jump out to me as burnt human remains.) 

 Merihirviö- "Ai sinä tarkoitat kynän alla jakkara rasvaa kissa istuu heti?" (motioning to the thing I pointed to.)

 " Yes YES! Good! If you could hand that to me then we will communicate via Pictionary(copyright whoever made the darn thing)" (all said whilst hands are flailing in crude, broken sign language.)

 Merihirviö- "Puhumme samaa kieltä apina kasvot. Minusta tuntuu puhua eri kieltä, koska pidät laskemisesta google kääntää välttämiseksi kotitehtävät." 

Me- Scribbling furiously on the floor of the cave. 

 Merihirviö- "Mitä teet nyt? Stop piirustus keittiön lattialle! Miksi saan kiinni hölmö? Aiotteko ystävällisesti selittää minulle, mitä on menossa läpi pään!"

" Hold on almost done...THERE HAHA! Now it's your turn...whatever you are."

"Se näyttää muotoillun kirahvi sikiö. Miksi se on kolme penikset?" (looking very upset) "Piirsit kirahvi sikiö useita sukupuolielimiä minun keittiön lattialle."

 "You sound upset. Did my drawing offend? All I am asking for is a jar of pickle juice."
"Suolakurkku mehua? On karkea piirustus kirahvi sikiö minun keittiön lattialle ja minun pitäisi tulkita, että haluaa suolakurkku mehu? Olet hullu"

 "If I did offend, I give you the biggest apology known to man/whatever-you-are kind. But we are trying to use pictures now understand?" 

 "Jättäkää minut rauhaan ..." (Snatches the charred thing from my hand and starts drawing.

"Well I'll be, you have got some talent there. It looks like a hand scribbled on your hand. But your drawing has only one finger, and a hand has five."

"Idiootti, Minä annan sinulle keskisormi. Ymmärtää?"

"I don't know what you said, was it a joke? Considering the drawing on your hand, maybe not. Or was it an insult?"

 Nods his(?) head slowly

"I see. If that is how you feel then I guess there is nothing else to do but get you that pony after all."

"Haista paska" walks away.

"Wait I'm sure we can get you a nice pony!"

Still walking away

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

I don't even know what to title this.

Okay now think of a topic, be funny, witty, and crazy at the same time. NOW GO! WHHHOOOOOO YEAH BLOGGING IS COOL CAUSE I AM BLOGGING YEAHH!! GUITAR SOLO!! HEAD BANGING! WRITE THOSE WORDS! THIS IS MORE EXCITING IN MY HEAD! READING IT, NOT SO MUCH! JUST KIND OF ANNOYING! NOW THINK OF SOMETHING BRAIN! WHAT DO I FEED YOU FOR?  NOW I AM GETTING TIRED OF TYPING IN ALL CAPS TO GIVE THE IMPRESSION THAT I AM ACCOMPLISHING SOMETHING! ALSO THIS MIGHT BE OFF PUTTING TO MY READERS! AND NOW I just realized that with great blogging comes great aunts who smell of mothballs and rotting old person. Or something similar to that line from that one movie which was based on a comic book.

I just Googled coalicanth, and thanks to spell check found out that I have it misspelled on the front of this blog. But coelacanths (proper spelling) are ugly looking. Look at this guy/girl, blissfully unaware of his/her crippling ugliness.


At least he’s/she’s happy right? Blissfully unaware of his/her physical flaws, or he/she has simply accepted his/her ugliness as a fact of life. Maybe we should look to this brave sea creature as an example for all of us. Coelacanths are still funny looking… 

  

Monday, January 10, 2011

Well, this is new...

You know what? I will not make this blog about anything other than all the insane ramblings that strike me at all odd hours of the day. You might laugh, grimace and regret eating the week old sandwich that you found without realizing it was a week old and ate it anyway. Those are some confusing feelings. AREN’T THEY!!! I just used more exclamation marks than is regarded healthy. I DON’T CARE!!! I DID IT AGAIN!!

 Seeing as to how this is my first go at blogging I should tell you (you as in the few people who will read this crap) about myself. Form of LIST!!! WITH BULLET POINTS!!! PEW PEW KERPEW!! Those are what bullet points sound like.

·        I am a human
·        Earth isn’t my favourite planet
·        The British spelling is the best spelling
·        I watch more British television than is healthy
·        No, in response to any questions about if I should stop eating chocolate
·        I might have parts that conclusively point to what gender I am.
·        Pants rock
·        Shirts to
·        But shoes? No they don’t rock. Shoes belong to an independent jazz reformist ensemble.
·        You are still reading this? What if I started gnipyt eht sdrow sdrawkcab?
·        Still around? Good.
·        LET’S GO FOR A HUNDREND OF THESE!
·        Or not, I am getting tired and a bit peckish. That means hungry and nothing dirty you perverts.
·        I called you a pervert HAH!

My life is not that interesting, but this is my blog so I can do whatever I tiddley-winkin-frickity-do please. So I might include a tale or two from my life. Well this concludes our time together. Please see the receptionist at the front desk to schedule another appointment. THEN TRANSFORM INTO A NARWHAL!!